The attribution of normality has to do with the specificity of a culture.

A reflection on the balance between the search for one's own identity and that of acceptance.

I often observe among my clients a certain need to be normal and at the same time to be different; they don't like to be like the majorityThey don't like to be like the majority, but they are afraid of being different.

Because being different means running the risk of being excluded from the group or from society, and that is the greatest punishment to which a human being can be subjected.

So we are going to do everything we can to be different. we are going to do everything possible to be validated in the group and at the same time have the permission also to validatebecause that is the meaning of belonging. The highest aspiration of the human being. I believe that even above that of being loved.

This is the only way to explain the tolerance we create to mistreatment, abuse, discomfort, the attachment to the suffering we manifest, etc.

The concept of normality

In this search for belonging, when people feel that perhaps they do not fit in the everyday or in the common, suffering is born and sometimes they come to us, psychologists or therapists, or people who accompany them in the processes of difficulty, in search of something that includes them. Something with which they feel included, something that explains their strangeness but under the idea that it is normal, that it happens to more humans.

They come looking for a solution, but one that passes through belonging, through normality.. And they also come looking for an explanation that calms them down, that places them somewhere where there are human beings like them, that have a series of common characteristics and that allows them to feel admitted (even if it is within a group that may cause a priori rejection). Paradoxes of the human being.

Sometimes, even unconsciously we are capable of accentuating the characteristics that separate us from the group to which we would like to belong if it brings us closer to another group. to which we would like to belong if it brings us closer to another group. That is to say, we can even go as far as begging for a simple label that allows us to identify ourselves with someone, with "someone else like me", even if it is to belong to the group of the excluded (there is already a plural, I am not alone and that reassures me, I have someone, I belong...).

The discomfort of loneliness

The human being bears loneliness badly, since there is no greater punishment for a social and rational animal than to be released into the herd, society, and to be ignored by it. It dies.

Therefore, we make sense when we are seenWe therefore become meaningful when we are seen, as it is a way of confirming our identity. This is so because "the other" is the feedback of what we are, the mirror in which we look at ourselves to be able to correct course and grow. When we are ignored we lack data and we are lost. We simply do not see ourselves either, because we do not exist.

Although we could say that it is the belief that the other ignores us, the translation of his response or non-response, what builds in us that absence of self-esteem and vulnerability and of identification with the other..

The use of labels in the face of one's own identity

Thus, many times we, the professional helpers, can fall into the temptation, in order to alleviate the suffering, to use a diagnosis and place a label that guarantees them "normality"; although with time they realize that it makes no sense, that nothing has changed, only in appearance it is calmer.

Thus, he begins to give himself permission to behave according to the meaning of the label he paid for. This tranquility turns into uneasiness, when he observes that nothing changes.when the suffering does not diminish but starts to become chronic.

All this makes sense, because it is as if by labeling we go to the store in our little box: neurotic, depressive, bipolar, personality disorder ... and rest. Only we don't rest, because we are much more than a label, much more than 100 labels, we are much more than all that. And if we are on one shelf, we cannot be on another, because we do not possess the gift of ubiquity.

The human being has another peculiarity and that is that he likes to feel free, he has been given that way; and sometimes he likes to stand out, even if it is simply for the luxury of innovating and growing. So it is that He is not happy that everything he does is looked at through the glasses of the label he boughtbecause that means he has to give up growth.

Thus we can explain why states are chronified against all the progress of neuroscience, where it is more than demonstrated that the neuroplasticity of the brain allows new synaptic connections to be established so that new behaviors are established, supported with a different chemistry.

Therefore, how do we not to fall into the static of the qualificationHow can we avoid falling into the static of the label and favor eventuality, impermanence and the possibility of change and alleviation of suffering?

• By not adjusting the individual to the label.
• By becoming aware and transmitting at the time of diagnosis that what is happening is happening at this moment, but that it does not always have to happen.
• Transmitting that the behavior or look is subject to the context in which it is taking place, that in another context or with another look, perhaps such behavior would not be the cause of suffering.
• Always treat the individual as a unique case, obviously. And talk to him/her about belonging to that little box and many others, so that he/she can manage them as he/she wishes. That is to say, to give them the power to change.
• To explore the benefits and detriments of being in that immovable label.
• Contextualize in what moment that behavior was useful, and what would be useful in this one.
• Map out a plan to develop that new behavior.

In conclusion

Reassure without labeling, to welcome without mutilating, accompany without obstructing. To inspire without imposing.

This, I believe, is the mission of therapists and other groups dedicated to the reduction of suffering.