Why can’t I find a partner? 6 possible causes

A summary of the possible causes of problems in finding a partner.

Problems in finding a partner are a relatively common form of discomfort in adults, and can even facilitate the appearance of significant psychological problems. That is why many people who come to psychotherapy do so with a very specific complaint: "I don't understand why I can't find a partner and that makes me feel very bad".

However, these kinds of difficulties are multi-causal and complex, since there are a variety of reasons why it can be difficult to connect with someone.

In this article, we will take a brief look at the most frequent reasons for this apparent inability to find a mateIn this article we will briefly review the most common reasons for this apparent inability to find a partner, both in terms of how we interact with others and how we manage our emotions and expectations.

Why don't I find a partner? Possible causes of the problem

As I mentioned, problems in finding a stable partner are among the most frequent complaints of those who decide to go to a psychologist (regardless of whether they have developed a disorder or not). In therapy they learn, among other things, that behind a form of discomfort that is apparently well defined, homogeneous and can be easily expressed as "I can't find a partner", there are several fronts on which to learn and improve, and many of them do not even have to do with developing charisma or the ability to seduce..

In order to overcome this kind of difficulties, the first thing to do is to become aware of the different causes behind them, without falling into the simplistic analysis of the type "I am unable to please anyone" or "with my physique it is normal that I fail in love".

In this sense, although the best thing to do in these cases is by far to go to a psychologist (because in this way a professional analyzes our case in a personalized way and adapted to our characteristics and needs), here we will review several possible causes of difficulties in finding a partner.

1. Problems in communication skills

When thinking about the problems in finding a partner, we usually tend to think by default in this type of causes: the lack of communication skills.

Although in this aspect there are several "fronts" that can be worked on, it is worth highlighting three of them.

1.1. Lack of assertiveness

This is reflected in the tendency to take a passive role in the tendency to assume a passive role in conversations, simply answering what the other person is sayingof simply replying to what the other person says, without wanting to contribute. It usually occurs in people with a lack of self-esteem or who believe they have no interesting ideas to contribute to a conversation, and also in those who are afraid of antagonizing the interlocutor.

1.2. Lack of listening skills

It is not enough to remain silent when the other person is speaking: it is also important to know how to pay attention to what he or she is saying and to show that you are paying attention by incorporating elements of what that person has said into your own speech.

1.3. Misuse of non-verbal language

Non-verbal communication is very important, especially in contexts where we want to show our personality to someone who knows little about us. It involves the control of certain movement patterns when interacting with someone.

2. Problems in emotional management skills

When thinking about problems when it comes to finding a partner, we usually tend to think by default both in the causes of the previous section and in these that refer to the management of emotions when meeting people. Combined, these two give shape to what we know as social skills..

Regarding this section, a bad management of emotions when establishing the first contact with someone we like or we are interested in as a potential partner can lead to the following problems.

2.1. Excessive nervousness and anxiety

The fear of not making a good first impression causes some people to let their nerves get the better of them, focusing more on their own gestures and words than on the fluidity of the interaction itself.

Fear of failure 2.2.

Some people are confident when meeting people, but they do not dare to take the they do not dare to take the step of showing interest in the other person in order not to expose themselves to the possibility of rejection.. This makes them much less likely to enter into relationships based on intimacy, because they show no signs of wanting to commit.

3. Problems in managing expectations

Finally, it should be noted that poor management of one's own expectations also makes the task of finding a partner much more difficult. This can occur, for example, assuming a completely unrealistic ideal of a boyfriend or girlfriendor being more concerned with family interests or social prestige than with one's own happiness and tastes.

Are you looking for professional psychological support?

If you want to have psychological assistance to improve your communication or social skills, or those skills related to emotional management, I invite you to get in touch with me.. I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral model, and I attend adults and adolescents both in Madrid and remotely through the online modality by video call.