Sexual assertiveness: 3 keys to a fulfilling life as a couple.

Enjoying a fulfilling life as a couple through this communicative principle.

One of the most important skills for enjoying an optimal sex life is sexual assertiveness.. This skill allows us to communicate clearly to our sexual partner what we want and what we don't want when we have sex.

We explain exactly what it is, what health benefits are obtained through its acquisition and how it breaks with the rigidity of gender roles, especially for women.

What is sexual assertiveness?

It is the skill, or rather the set of skills, that allows us to share with our partner what our desires are.. Not only this, but it also includes the ability to say "no", to refuse those activities that are not to our liking.

Sexual assertiveness is typically said to be composed of five main skills: knowing how to initiate desired sexual relations, knowing how to refuse unwanted sex, communicating what satisfies us sexually, sharing our sexual history and asking about our partner's, and insisting on contraceptive use.

1. Initiating relationships and communicating needs assertively

Sexual assertiveness is fundamental to sexual satisfaction. Many people are uncomfortable telling their partner what they like in bed.. Moreover, many people feel uncomfortable talking during sex. There is no crime in telling the person with whom we have sex what is the best way to stimulate us, nor is there a crime in telling him or her that we feel like having sex, always without insisting if he or she does not want to.

It is natural that the person who is more eager initiates sexual activity if it is consensual: it is very frustrating to have a great sexual appetite and wait impatiently for the other person to start because of embarrassment. This is why it is necessary to work on sexual communication, to normalize talking about sex in and out of bed, to get used to asking for and responding to each other's needs. The truth is that almost all sexual partners respond positively when one communicates his or her preferences.

By mastering this assertive skill, we will enjoy our relationships more and reach orgasm more often. It is normal to find a higher rate of anorgasmia in women who do not communicate their sexual needs to their partners.

2. Refusing unwanted sex

Many people, either because it tastes bad to them or because they do not know how to say no, end up having sex that they do not want, end up having sex that they do not feel like having.. This happens outside the couple, in situations where one person insists too much and the other ends up giving in, but also within the couple. Especially in this context, there are people who mistakenly believe that just because they are a couple, they should always be willing to have sex.

The truth is that, just as with food, we don't always feel like sex. Maybe we just want to have a good time with our partner without actually having penetrative sex, or maybe we're just not in the mood. It is just as important to say no to insistence as it is to say it in a serious and respectful way. We must communicate to the other that we do not want to have sex in an understanding but unapologetic way.

3. Sexual history and insistence on contraceptives

Shame or fear of offending are obstacles that prevent many couples from communicating each other's sexual history.. Although it is a fundamental pillar of health, it can be difficult to ask the other person if they have had unprotected sex with other people or if they have any sexually transmitted diseases. Again, it is important to communicate our doubts with diplomacy, bearing in mind that it is always worthwhile to protect oneself even if the other person may feel a little uncomfortable for a few minutes.

Speaking of protection, one of the most researched issues in relation to sexual assertiveness comes up: contraceptive use. Adolescents and young adults are the population most likely to engage in unprotected sex.For this reason, it is essential to teach future generations how to insist assertively on the use of contraceptives.

Of course, ideally, it is the man himself who should take the initiative to use a condom, but girls should be prepared for the possibility of resistance to condom use. As with refusing unwanted sex, a clear refusal to have unprotected sex should be communicated without fear that the other person may be offended. Again, health is more important than the awkwardness of the situation.

Assertiveness in the couple and gender roles

Apart from the health benefits, the acquisition of sexual assertiveness skills breaks with the rigidity of gender roles, the expectations that arise from them and the harmful beliefs they generate.

Traditionally, it has been the man who has sought sexual relations, who has been in charge of courting, who has the sexual desire and who, therefore, should always initiate relations. Women have been relegated to a passive, recipient role, incapable of feeling the same sexual desire, whose orgasm is optional and who must wait patiently to be seduced and have sex.

To end this sexist belief system, it is essential to teach girls, from a young age, that they have the same voice in sexual relations as a man. That they should take an active role and take responsibility for their sexuality and its satisfaction through assertive communication in their interpersonal relationships. That if they do not want to have sex it is not synonymous with frigid or narrow, because sex is something reciprocal and there is no point in having sex if only one of the two wants to.

Sexual assertiveness allows women to regain a sense of control over their own sexuality, to put an end to situations of sexual coercion and pressure, and also allows men to free themselves from the male stereotype that they always have a sexual appetite. It is perfectly normal for men not to feel like having sex, not to be the one to initiate sex, and even to communicate sexual preferences that may be interpreted as unmanly.

Thus, the benefits of sexual assertiveness do not end with the improvement of sexual and psychological health and the avoidance of risky behaviors, but rather they facilitate social progress in the direction of gender equality and the rupture with heteropatriarchy..