The 3 pathological patterns of emotional dependency

Several ways to distinguish between harmful relationships and healthy relationships.

When we talk about emotional dependence we refer to those people who show great fear and anxiety at the idea of being abandoned and who, because of that fear, tolerate and do anything so that the partner or other persons of affection do not leave him/her.

Such is this fear that a person is considered dependent if they are willing to do or endure almost anything so that the relationship they are having does not end. However, this is much more complex. Emotional dependency encompasses different types (submissive, avoidant and dominant), which at first glance do not even seem like dependent people, but rather the opposite.

Let's look at how we bond in healthy and unhealthy waysand the consequences of the latter.

Pathological bonding vs. healthy bonding.

Human beings inevitably depend on each other; in fact, we are the most social species of all. In fact, people who don't bond with anyone we consider to be rare or may even have serious personal problems.

Therefore, we must first we have to distinguish a healthy attachment from a pathological one.. One cannot be absolutely independent but neither can one be absolutely dependent on another person or persons. Either extreme would be far from being a healthy bond.

To bond and relate in a healthy way we use two psychological methods: regulation and security.

1. Regulation of the Self

There are two ways to regulate it: with self-regulation and with co-regulation..

Self-regulation

We use it when, faced with a situation that upsets us, we use our resources, hobbies, abilities, to return to a state of calm (e.g. go for a run, meditate, paint, read, listen to music, relax by breathing, etc.).

Co-regulation

We use it when, in these adverse situations and to return to that state of calm, we call on someone we trust (example: talk to someone, call a friend on the phone, go to your partner to tell him/her about it). It is common and normal that when we feel down we want to tell someone to let off steam.

2. Confidence

Some people feel more secure when they are alone or in company. We know people who do not feel safe when they feel alone, such as those who feel "empty" if they do not have a partner, while others are afraid of relationships. Both extremes are an example of unhealthy bonding, since one will not trust to regulate itself and the other will distrust others. will not trust to regulate themselves and the other will distrust others..

3 ways of bonding in an unhealthy way generating dependence

Taking into account the above, we deduce that with self-regulation and the feeling of security in solitude, it is more likely that our bonds will be healthy, and vice-versaDependence on others to be at ease with oneself or distrustful of them will lead to toxic relationships.

At the end of the day, autonomy and intimacy are what allow us to have "horizontal relationships" with others: I rely on others but also on myself.In other words, I don't need anyone to regulate me, but I don't withdraw from them either. Managing them badly can lead us to establish unhealthy bonds in different ways or patterns of behavior that occur in relationships with significant others. Let's talk about them.

1. Submissive pattern

It is the one that is most easily and quickly recognized as emotional dependence. The most frequent emotion of the submissive person is anxiety, precisely because of the fear of being abandoned.precisely because of their fear of being abandoned. Their most frequent form of regulation is through others (i.e., co-regulation), possessing very little capacity for self-regulation. They always need someone to help them cope with their problems.

Deep down, they feel that they do not deserve to be loved because they think they are not worth it, which is why they try so hard to do whatever it takes to make sure that the other person does not abandon them. Precisely, they behave in a submissive way because of this fear of not being loved anymore. They find it difficult to recognize their own needs because they are too concerned with the needs of others.

They find it difficult to say no to others, to tolerate criticism or to receive from others. As a result, they often feel that others don't care enough about them, that they don't reciprocate for all the efforts they make, and may even feel that they "get in the way.they do not reciprocate for all the efforts they make and may even feel that they "get in the way".

2. Dominant pattern

The predominant emotion in a dominant person is fear, which they express through anger and rage. Their fear is precisely to be dominated or rejected. They consider themselves bad people and, like the submissive, not worthy of being loved.

They regulate themselves through the others but in a very subtle wayThey are in a very subtle way, exercising this role of control over the other person. However, they can often show themselves to be very independent (e.g., they threaten to leave the relationship), but this is only to conceal a sense of loss (e.g., they ask for forgiveness and plead when they are left).

Dominant caregivers can also be caregivers, but by making the person they are caring for dependent on them, creating that need in the other person or by emotional blackmail. The difference with submissive caregivers is that submissive caregivers care to be loved while dominant caregivers care as a way to subdue and carry the other person. care as a way to subdue and take control..

3. Avoidant pattern

Avoidant people cause them to withdraw, physically and emotionally, from the people around them.

The most frequent emotion in this case is sadness, which in reality expresses sadness.The most frequent emotion in this case is sadness, which in reality expresses a great sense of loneliness, and which they try to show as disinterest. In reality, they are not aware of this sadness, since they also distance themselves from their own emotions, ignoring them.

In addition, they are very distrustful of others; what they fear most is to lose independence or freedom or to be controlled if they get too involved with another person emotionally. Therefore, their form of regulation is self-regulation, by ignoring its emotions and sensations.. This can lead them to seem very little dependent.

However, what actually happens is that they are very little involved in relationships with others (since we all need others to some extent). They tend to live relationships as an obligation full of responsibilities, so they rarely get to commit themselves completely and they are truly uncomfortable in contact with others.

Bibliographical references:

• Cabello, F. (2018). Emotional dependence in young people: the new slavery of the 21st century. In: F. Cabello, M. Cabello and F. del Río Olovera, ed., Avances en Sexología Clinica. pp.207 - 214.
• Mansukhani, A. (2018). Pathological attachment patterns: beyond emotional dependence. In: F. Cabello, M. Cabello and F. del Río Olovera, ed., Advances in Clinical Sexology. pp.191-200.
• López, F. (2009). Amores y desamores. Madrid: Biblioteca Nueva.