Transactional mindset: what it is, and its main characteristics

Let's see what the transactional mindset is and how it is reflected in relationships.

Have you ever acted with the thought of receiving the same? Individuals with a transactional mindset see the relationship as a business, as an exchange or reciprocation.. That is, they will act expecting to receive the same in return.

Therefore, these people will not do anything just for the sake of doing it, but with the foresight of obtaining a benefit for themselves in the future. They are subjects who have difficulties in covering their needs, who do not feel loved or are lonely, and it is through the relationship with another person that they hope to solve all these shortcomings.

Thus, at first it may seem that they are very attentive people who look out for the welfare of others, but the opposite is true; in the end the relationship ends up being very tense. The transactional minded person presents themselves as a victim and blames the person for not meeting their expectations. At this point it will be obvious that they act looking for their own benefit and are not as attentive and generous as they seem to be.

For this reason, it is advisable to avoid this type of mentality as it ends up generating discomfort and damaging the relationship with the other person. They will rarely feel 100% satisfied with what they receive from the other person.Perfect reciprocity is almost impossible.

What is the transactional mindset?

People with a transactional mentality are those who value the relationship with another individual depending on what they get from him, that is to say, they expect to receive the same thing that he gives them.. Therefore, these people present the following thoughts or beliefs: if I helped him with his homework he will also have to help me, if I lend him money he will also lend it to me when he needs it, among many other similar considerations, which show that they act expecting the same in similar situations in the future.

In this way, in transactional thinking, relationships are understood and seen as business, as a trade, where they expect to exchange something with the same value.

Behavior is not selflessIn other words, they do not act with the purpose of helping or pleasing the other person but with the intention that the other person does the same for me, therefore, it is a selfish mentality, which looks for oneself without really caring about the other person.

Characteristics of the transactional mindset

When we evaluate the transactional way of thinking we observe two beliefs or two principles that are repeated and stand out from this type of mentality, two thoughts that constitute the basis of this mentality, and derive in this particular way of understanding relationships.

1. Give more importance to what is achieved with the relationship.

Individuals with a transactional mindset value and analyze more what they will or can gain from each relationship, what they can get from each person, what they can get from each person, and what they can get from each person.What they can get from each person, rather than taking into account or being interested in the simple fact of having or maintaining a relationship. They focus, value, more the utility that the relationship can have, the interest they can see in it, than the enjoyment of having it.

An example would be to comfort a person when he is sad with the intention that, in the future, he will also be comforted by this person.

This form of mentality is often compared to negotiation.. In this way, these people conceive the bond they have with someone as a business, as a way of giving something in order to receive it later, they act according to an interest with the perspective of getting something in the future. Their thoughts would be: I help him because later he will help me.

2. They give greater importance to their own needs

It may seem contradictory because individuals with transactional mentality usually suffer from very attentive people, willing to help, to give you what you need, but if we know the purpose they seek by acting this way we will understand that they do it with the intention of being treated in the same way, that is to say, to receive the same as they give.

Therefore, they do not act for the benefit of the other but at the end of the day they are acting thinking of a possible benefit for themselves in the future. In other words, if they help a person it is with the purpose of making sure they have help if they need it, not with the intention of helping the other person..

They will see the other person as someone who can give them what they need, doing for the other individual what they really want for themselves. It is still a selfish thought having as its ultimate goal their own well-being, even if it seems confusing because at the beginning it seems directed to the other person.

How is it embodied in relationships?

Once raised that we understand by transactional mentality many will consider that they do not have this type of thinking and that they do not act with the purpose of achieving their own benefit.

But it is inevitable in many occasions that thoughts related to this mentality will appear.It is almost impossible not to be upset or not to feel bad when a person you helped, who you listened to when they needed it, is not there when you are sick and need them.

If we do a favor for a co-worker we tend to think that if we need a favor in the future, he will do it for us.. Thus, at first we may not be aware that we are acting with that purpose in mind, but when we find ourselves in the situation that we have not been reciprocated as we expected, we are upset that we have not received the same treatment.

Therefore, it is not such a strange thought, and many times we may not be aware of it, but it is not surprising to think that if we do a good deed, if we act for the benefit of another we expect that this person will consider this help, value it and act in the same way, as we believe it is appropriate.

The problem of having a transactional mindset

One of the main problems is the disappointment and disillusionment that comes with not receiving what one expects. It is almost utopian to think that we will get from the other person what I have given him/her, i.e., it is almost impossible to receive what one thinks is right, it is almost impossible to receive what one thinks would be the right thing to do, since depending on another person this one can see or interpret the situation differently and it is likely that he/she will not perform or behave as you expected, as you think it was the right thing to do.

In this way, most of the time it is detrimental to oneself and only creates disappointment to act as you think others will act with you. Likewise, considering or perceiving a relationship as a business or an exchange of benefits does not help you to really enjoy the relationship because you are valuing the other person as someone who can fulfill your needs and not as a friendship, valuing the simple fact of having it.

People with a transactional mentality are obsessive, they calculate what they give and what they receive, they memorize and remember everything they have done for others, so that later they can ask for and receive from them.They memorize and remember everything they have done for others, so that later they can ask and demand that they act in the same way, as they expect. If, on the other hand, they do not receive what they expect, it will cause them great discomfort and they will criticize and manipulate the other to try to achieve their goal. They will present themselves as victims before you and will make you feel guilty for not acting or not having acted as they wanted or in the same way they have done for you.

Also They are also often people who seek to fulfill their needs through others.In other words, they want others to solve the conflicts that happen to them. In the same way, they are individuals with low self-esteem, who do not love themselves and look for that affection in others.

Flee from this way of looking at relationships

To obtain an exact reciprocity is difficult, that is to say, to receive with exactitude the same thing that I have given is very complicated. For this reason it is best to stay away from the transactional mentality, as it will will only generate discomfort when we see that our expectations are not fulfilled..

The healthiest way to act in the field of interpersonal relationships is without expecting anything in return, that is, to act because we feel like it but without seeking any kind of purpose. To show empathy, to put ourselves in the other person's place and help him/her because he/she really needs it and not in a selfish way, thinking that helping him/her means help for me in the future.

We have to give what we really want and feel we want to do, regardless of receiving later this same behavior. In the same way, performing a behavior only with the purpose of helping also generates satisfaction and well-being, we will value much more, getting help, love... or any kind of affection or behavior, will be for us a gift since this more sensitive mentality does not expect anything in return.

Acting in an altruistic, generous way, without expecting anything and with the objective of helping, produces less frustration and less discomfort, improving the relationship with the other person since he/she will not feel pressured, and in this way we will live better and happier.