Self-love: reasons to cultivate it, and how to do it in 5 steps

Not paying attention to the state of our self-esteem can be a serious mistake.

Self-love is a very important ingredient for psychological well-being.. Whatever we do, if we do not value it, it will have no meaning and will not help us feel good about who we are.

However, self-esteem is something that is usually seen in a very distorted way, since most people think of it as if it were the result of reaching certain vital goals that we all supposedly share: being popular, having a certain purchasing power, having the capacity to be attractive, etc. This is an illusion, as we will see.

Why self-esteem is important

Self-love, associated with self-esteem, is something that takes all the positive emotional charge linked to our self-concept .. Let's say that on the one hand we have information about who we are and what we have done in our lives, and on the other hand we have the emotions associated with that kind of autobiography and that concept of self.

Self-love can be so important that it will lead us to radically change our short-, medium- and long-term goals if we feel that what we have been doing for some time, even if we do it well, does not speak well about who we are. That is why it is necessary to stop and listen to it and regulate well the emotions that mediate it when it comes to providing us with "glasses" with which we judge ourselves.

How to increase self-esteem: 5 tips

First of all, we must keep in mind that self-esteem is not something that is cultivated simply through introspection and reflection. This psychological aspect is part of the emotional dimension of the human being, which goes beyond our ability to use logic, to reason. While the power of reason can help, it is not in itself sufficient to work on self-esteem, it is not in itself sufficient to work on self-esteem.. This can already be seen in the first tip of the series that we will review below.

1. Value your reference group

Self-esteem always depends on what our reference group is. If we take it for granted that the normality is, for example, to fit into a group of elite Harvard students, if we do not reach the academic goals that others do, it will dent our self-esteem, since in that social circle this is something highly valued, especially because of its competitive nature.

However, having exactly the same capabilities and personality, we could have a very good self-esteem in another richer and more heterogeneous social environment. The key is that our way of socializing, and the spaces we choose for socializingcreate the frame of reference from which we begin to value our own competencies. Regardless of whether we do the latter in a rational way or not, the former is something that escapes reason.

So, first of all, assess whether your frame of reference is adequate or whether it creates expectations that are unrealistic. It's not a matter of raising or lowering the bar; it's also a matter of stopping to think about whether those personal traits that people in those social settings look to ascribe value to are something that really means something to us. For example, in the case of Harvard students, grades may matter a lot, but this criterion may be worthless in another social circle where creativity and even social skills and a sense of humor are the main thing.

In short, self-esteem is strongly influenced by the reference group and the way in which we would be valued according to its criteria, but we can also assess whether that reference group satisfies us or not.

2. Stay away from people who are eternally negativistic.

There are people whose strategy for socializing is to make other people feel like other people to feel bad about themselves.. It may sound like something that does not make sense, but in reality it does, if certain conditions are met. If a relational dynamic is created in which the person is constantly being criticized by others, the idea is created that the one who criticizes has a lot of value by being able to "see" those imperfections in others, and that therefore staying by his or her side is a way of gaining value in the eyes of others.

This type of social bonding, of course, acts as a mortgage for self-esteem; is constantly receiving gratuitous and unnecessary criticism simply out of habit, and in return you get a supposed advantage if it only serves as long as you stay close to the other person.

Ending this type of relationship, either by physically distancing ourselves from the person or by facilitating their change, is necessary so that self-love does not continue to fray.

3. Value your strengths and weaknesses.

Having written down in a literal way those of our characteristics that we interpret as imperfections and those that we believe to be positive, helps us to have a reference about what our initial state is..

Thanks to this, it will be easier to detect those moments in which our present emotional state is distorting even more our self-concept, which is already to some extent mobile and arbitrary.

For example, if we believe that our ability to listen and have deep conversations is good, but something happens that makes us feel bad and we and we come to see this also as an imperfection, we will have reason to think that this is not an accurate conclusion.If something happens that leads us to think that this is not an accurate conclusion, we will have reason to think that it is not an accurate conclusion. And if something happens that leads us to think of a characteristic that is recorded as an imperfection in that record, it will be easier to think of its limitations, that it does not constitute the totality of who we are, since many other similar traits share the same hierarchy as it does in the list of defects and strengths.

4. Learn

Self-love is also cultivated by doing something that shows us that we are making progress. If we believe that our social skills are bad and that this should not be the case, simply working on that facet of ourselves will make us think better of ourselves, as it puts the possibility of checking progress within our reach.

5. Meet people

The more people you meet, the easier it is to get to know those with whom you connect, and who see qualities in you that others did not see.and who see qualities in us that others did not see. As we have seen, one thinks of oneself primarily from the adjectives and semantic categories one is accustomed to using with others. If the words and concepts that can be used to refer to our positive qualities are seldom used in a social circle, we are unlikely to notice them.