How to control childrens anger: 6 useful tips
We give you different strategies to get your children out of the anger and tantrum loop.
Human feelings allow us to adapt to different situations. Therefore, all emotions are necessary, including negative ones, such as sadness or anger.
Anger is something that plays a very important role in life, since it is an emotion that motivates us to defend ourselves against aggressions or situations that we consider unfair. However, uncontrolled anger can be very harmful, both for us and for those around us.
This basic emotion is especially delicate when it occurs in children, who have not yet acquired all the social rules that make them regulate this feeling. Therefore, emotional education focused on anger can become an important tool.
Let's see some strategies to deal and control anger in children, promoting their emotional intelligence and giving them tools to develop as future adapted adults.We are going to look at some strategies to deal and control anger in children, fostering their emotional intelligence and giving them the tools to develop as future adapted adults.
Anger: a basic emotion
If human beings did not feel anger, many of the unjust situations such as slavery, oppression of ethnic minorities and denial of women's rights would not have been overcome. Anger allows us to move toward what we consider to be wrong and to show our discontent, either by arguing about it or by fighting to prevent it from happening again.
The factors that cause this emotion to occur in children can be very varied. They could be classified into two types: internal, which would be the child's own, for example, being upset because he/she did not get good grades, and external, which would be due to a factor external to him/her, such as having fallen and hurt himself/herself or having been hit by a classmate.
The bad thing about this emotion is not the fact that it occurs in children. It is something natural and adaptive that allows us to face a situation that we consider unfair or in which we have been hurt. However, although it is a basic emotion, it has repercussions at the physiological level, such as changes in Blood Pressure and heart rate. Moreover, given the still premature socialization and culturalization of children, they do not know how to behave and can react by attacking and insulting other people.
How to control children's anger?
Humans, by instinct, tend to react aggressively, however, doing so in every situation that generates anger is neither healthy nor adaptive.
It can cause problems with friends, at school or with the family itself, being a very harmful feeling for the proper development of the child, affecting the emotional sphere. This is why it is so important to teach children how to handle this emotion..
1. Developing empathy
It involves making the child understand that other people also have feelings.It involves making the child understand that other people also have feelings, and trying to get them to put themselves in the other person's shoes.
To encourage empathic thinking, you can present situations to the child, such as a classmate being hit or someone getting hurt, and ask them how they think they would feel in that situation, what they think the person who is angry could do....
2. Recognizing and expressing anger
When the child is immersed in an episode of anger it is more difficult to negotiate with him/her.. He does not listen to us, especially if he is making a lot of noise, slamming doors, hitting or even breaking the dishes.
The best thing to do in these cases is to wait until the storm subsides. Talk to him when he has calmed down to make him see what he has done or why he has become angry. You understand things better when you are calmer.
As we have already said, the instinctive thing to do is to act aggressively when you are angry. This often leads to violent actions that can end up being very destructive.
A very interesting option is to give the child tools that do the opposite, that are constructive and promote creativity. Some of them are to paint, draw or write on a piece of paper how he/she feels and, while he/she is doing it, to tell him/her what what he/she is painting or writing means.
3. Breathing exercises
Although it may sound cliché, taking a deep breath before doing something you may regret is a good way to reduce anger, even if it is not a panacea.although it is not a panacea.
While doing this, they can be told to think of a beautiful place, such as a forest, a field with flowers, or a store full of candy.
These pleasant images, along with deep breathing, help them to relax and think more clearly.
4. Self-control techniques
Children should learn that any feeling is valid, but not any behavior.. They must see that it is their right to feel offended when someone does something they don't like, but they have an obligation to respond to it in a non-violent way.
Kicking, hitting, grabbing by the hair, spitting and insulting are behaviors that we cannot tolerate in children, and we must reproach them for doing so. If they have done it several times and in a very violent way, punishment is a necessary measure.
But the best way to avoid having to punish them is to teach them techniques to use when they are getting angry.
One of the techniques that can be used to start with the promotion of self-control is the traffic light technique. A traffic light is made with some paper cards, which has three colored lights: one green, one red and one yellow.
With the red light we indicate that he should stop what he is doing, because he is not controlling his anger. With the yellow light, we indicate that he should meditate on what he is doing and why he feels that way. With the green light we tell him to express what he feels.
5. Release tension
Children who do physically demanding activities, such as soccer or swimming, come home relaxed.. Sport causes the production of endorphins that contribute to a general state of relaxation and well-being.
It also acts as a self-control technique, since it allows them to handle anger in a calmer way.
In addition, coaches in soccer and other sports often have techniques to teach children to behave with sportsmanship in the game, without getting angry because they have been yellow-carded or accidentally elbowed by a teammate.
Coaches' techniques are not only useful on the playing field, they also have a positive impact in other places for the child, such as at home or school.
6. Not reacting to their anger
Whether the child behaves well or misbehaves does not depend solely on his or her personality.. Education is a key factor for the child to become a well-adjusted person as an adult.
The first educational environment in which the child is immersed is his own home. Parents who fail to respond appropriately to their child's angry outbursts are like throwing gasoline in a fireplace.
If they are yelled at, scolded too loudly or, in the most severe and dysfunctional cases, parents physically assault their own children, we should not expect them to magically behave.
If the child does not behave as they should, parents should not listen to them. Many times they seek to be the center of attention for whatever reason. If they are listened to, they win and continue to misbehave knowing that they get what they want.
Although it may seem that they have a lot of energy, children get tired and if they see that what they are doing is not getting what they want, they will most likely stop doing it.
When to seek a professional?
Normally, children are learning how to manage anger.The child's behavior may be influenced by the discipline offered by parents and teachers or by the influences of the culture with which he or she comes into contact.
Sometimes, however, there are children who fail to acquire sufficient self-control, even though every effort has been made to enable the child to act appropriately in the face of an angry episode.
Before parents blame themselves for thinking that they are not good educators or believe that their child has no solution, it is necessary to see a mental health professional to make sure that the problem is not really due to a behavioral or developmental disorder.
The professional will analyze what are the triggers of anger in the child, if it is due to family factors or if the child suffers from some kind of problem that makes it difficult to control himself.
In addition to having the therapeutic tools to promote the correct development of the child, the child's age will also be taken into account in order to apply the most appropriate treatment according to his or her evolutionary stage.
Bibliographical references:
- Harris, W., Schoenfeld, C. D., Gwynne, P. W., Weissler, A. M. (1964) Circulatory and mood responses to fear and anger. The Physiologist, 7, 155.
- Di Giuseppe, R.; Raymond Chip Tafrate, Understanding Anger Disorders Oxford University Press, 2006, pp. 133-159.
(Updated at Apr 13 / 2024)